Feelings: Or lack thereof

I can't feel anything.

Like nothing.

At all.

(Emotionally not physically)

We all feel things. Happy, sad, angry, and the list goes on. But I can't. You're probably thinking, Elliott, you've click baited me with this title and opening, so explain.

I have manic depression, and it caused me to experience all my emotions at extremes. I may feel happy and content one moment, but I could easily feel depressed or suicidal the next. It's hard to manage, as I never know what I'll experience next. These feelings are separated into two categories mania and depression. During my manic episodes, I'm unusually productive, aggressive, and irritable, whole days feel euphoric and I make my most impulsive decisions. During my depressive episodes, it's hard to move or fulfill any of my responsibilities.

Often, I found myself wishing these feelings would go away. I wanted to never feel sad or crazy again. I assumed that my life would be better without them, that somehow, I'd magically become happier. So I started a new antipsychotic. And my wish came true.

I wish I never wished it.

Every day feels like the last, I can no longer feel happy or sad and overall I feel empty.

On the day before I left the hospital, a friend and I were having an ultimate just dance battle and I remember losing miserably to Katy Perry's "E.T". The next day she was transferred to a long term facility that's known for being abusive and generally terrible. Seeing her leave on a stretcher and knowing that she was going to a place like that hurt us all. Tears flooded the hallway and we drew air hearts as we waved goodbye.

"We" is everyone but me.

I couldn't feel anything. I knew that I should feel sad. But I couldn't. All I could do was stand there and watch. As I wrote this, tears began to form. They never fell. This is my new normal. I hated how extreme my feelings were, and I ended up not feeling at all.

Feeling is really important. They make us human. We're the only species that cries because of emotions. I feel like a robot. Or an alien. Feelings help us connect to life. Being happy is a feeling that so many of us take for granted, and I wasn't aware of the effect of its absence until now.

I'll provide an update soon, but I encourage you to value and acknowledge your feelings. Even the negative ones. You'll miss them when they're gone.

"Feelings are important in our life as they come from the heart, if you respond back they grow, if you ignore, they die and if you respect, they stay forever." - Unknown

Take Care of yourselves

As always,

Stay funky, spunky, spicy and hydrated™

-Elliott★